Only God Knows Why
by Paris Marriott
Summary: Songfic---A look into the life of someone who made it big, and how it destroyed him


A/N: I know this isn't one of the challenges you guys gave me, but this has been bothering me for awhile, so I am finally writing it. Anyway, the song it Only God Knows Why by Kid Rock.

**I've been sittin' here **

**Tryin' to find myself **

**I get behind myself **

**I need to rewind myself **

**Lookin? for the payback **

**Listen for the playback **

**They say that every man bleeds just like me **

**And now I feel like number one **

**Yet I'm last in life**

      To the world, it seemed like he had it all, the wonderful job, the perfect family and the devoted wife with gorgeous kids to go along with it. But in reality, it was far from it. He was a big time sports star, but that didn't really matter to him anymore. What mattered was, he lost touch with who he really was, through the drugs, the constant media events vying for his attendance and the girls who only wanted to have sex with him so they could brag to their friends that they had slept with one of the greatest football players in history. To everyone, it seemed like he had it all together, but the truth was, his life was falling apart at the seams, and each day it became harder and harder to hold on. He tried to look back on his life, to see where he had messed up, to see how his stupid, selfish mistakes ruined the lives of the ones he loved, and ended up costing him his own.

**I watch my younger son **

**And it helps to pass the time **

**I take too many pills it helps to ease the pain **

**I made a couple of dollar bills still I feel the same **

**Everybody knows my name **

**They say it way out loud **

**A lot of folks fuck me **

**It's hard to hang out in crowds **

**I guess that's the price you pay **

**To be some big shot like I am **

**Outskirt stands and one night stands **

**Still I can't find love **

**And when your walls come tumbling down **

**I will always be around **

**And when your walls come tumbling down **

**I will always be around**

      The only thing that truly kept him going in life was the presence of his younger son, Derek. He loved him so much, and hoped that he would be able to help raise him right so he wouldn't end up the way his daddy did, constantly popping pills and drinking, sleeping with random girls and living from paycheck to paycheck due to his gambling problem. It wasn't as if he had anyone to turn to, to love him, his wife Ashley had left him two years ago, something he was so glad the media never found out about---they would have a field day if they had known the truth about what went on behind closed doors at the house of what Sport's Illustrated called the Family Sportsman of the Year. (A/N: made that up) But nobody really wanted to be with him, to love him, to be his friend. All they wanted to do was take his money and use him for some publicity gain.

      His son sometimes asked him why he had to rely on the Ô ugly white pills ' and why he sometimes got angry when he had too much of the Ô yucky drink mommy hated ' That made him want to change more than ever, but he couldn't. He was still in that slump where he felt he needed the drugs and alcohol to get by, but he vowed that he would one day be strong enough to see his son through and vowed he would keep him from making the same mistakes he did.

**People don't know about the things I say and do **

**They don't understand about the shit that I've been through **

**It's been so long since I've been home **

**I've been gone....I've been gone for way too long **

**Maybe I forgot all things I miss **

**Oh somehow I know there's more to life than this **

**I said it too many times **

**And I still stand firm **

**You get what you put in **

**And people get what they deserve **

Still I ain't seen mine 

**No I ain't seen mine **

**I've been giving just ain't been gettin' **

      It's seven years later, and his life has changed dramatically. No longer is he a sports superstar, instead, he is just a has-been in rehab for a drug and alcohol addiction he couldn't shake. His son had been taken away from him, his ex wife had filed an order of protection from him and he had lost all the people he cared about through his selfish acts. He hadn't seen any of his family and friends in so long, he had pushed each and every one of them away by putting his addictions and philandering first. None of them bothered to understand why he turned to such destruction, he didn't even get it himself. All he wanted was to go back to the way things were, when he had good friends, a loving family and a normal lifestyle. In his heart, he knew he deserved whatever he got, but it still didn't make him feel any better, or understand why he had destroyed so many lives. Even when he had tried to change, to try and be a better father to Derek, to be a better wife to Ashley, a better person in general, but he always ended up going back to his old habits since it seemed as if the treatment he was getting was payback for all the years he had abused those close to him. There was no way anyone was going to forgive him, nor were they going to give him another chance at a better life, despite his desire and effort to change.

**I've been walking down that line **

**So I think i'll keep on walking **

**With my head held high **

**I'll keep moving on and only God knows why **

**Only God.....only God **

**Only God knows why **

**Only God....knows....why why why only God knows why **

**Take me to the river's...edge **

**Take me to the river...hey hey hey **

            He tried to start a new life on his own, keeping in high spirits and getting the help he needed, but depression got too much for him to handle, since he lost everything he truly loved and a week and a half after he finished his stay at rehab, his body was found in a river and those around him wondered how and why the once loveable, yet slightly cocky Erwin Lawson destroyed a life that so many people wished they could have had, based on the illusion they had seen from the media. They only hoped his death would make people realize how the media shows an illusion of people and no one truly knows what goes on inside a person, unfortunately, until it's too late.

A/N: very odd I know and it only semi-fits the song, but I hope you like it and send me lots of soul hugs! Thanks and happy reading!


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